Lulled By Lullabye-byes

When I was a wee little Keith my mummy-kins used to sing lullabyes to me... ah, fond memories. I sang these to my own younglings. Here is one of my personal faves:

Pissing in the wind some days,
just pissing in the wind
today's a fuckin right off man,
just pissing in the wind
Are you bouquet today?
No, I'm fucking weeds.
Forget your sliming rhyming words
There's no fucking answers here
I'm just pissing in the wind

Wank Song

I like to wank
it is pleasure for free
I like to wank
I does it for me
Get my tadger
in my hand
Play it like a
one-man band
Catch cum in a
wankerchief
stealing pleasure
light hand relief...

Monty Is A Wise Weasel

Monty is a wise weasel, oh yes he is (and don't let him hear you calling him an otter!!!). This is Monty during one of our Sylvanian Family Community days out. He is wearing his best dress. Doesn't he look smart.

Shadows Cast Within the Church

Here stands the church of St Andrew at Great Dunham in West Norfolk. It is one of the few surviving churches in Norfolk, that pre-dates the Norman Conquest. It is dateable through a series of architectural 'clues', which excite Dave and I, but the details of which I will spare you here. I cannot begin to imagine the countless 'invisible' people who have passed through these doors over the years. However, I can be quite sure that this wonderful building has never been witness to such extraordinary scenes as those that took place in there today.

For this is a tale of intruigue, deception and, ultimately - MURDER! No ink is black enough to describe the darkness of the tale involving this little critter here, Binky. I am still too stunned and upset to provide you with a coherent account. However, during the next few days I will try and recount the dreadful end which Binky met here.

Murder in The Church

It should have been just another informative Sylvanian Family Community Day Out. There's Monty the wise weasel talking about the Late Saxon dating evidence in the church of Great Dunham. It should have been a positive educational experience - a harmless piece of Antiquarian investigation followed by tea and jelly in the car. However, just as the clouds drift grey over the sun, this was destined to be a day touched with tragedy. As your eyes shall see, the evil eyeless Binky paid a terrible price for his intrusion upon the Sylvanian's. It should have been us all singing in the car afterwards, not sitting in sullen silence, with Haylett's tiny body lying limp on the dashboard...

Following the discovery of Binky's flattened body, the rural sleuth, P.C. Badger went into action. Monty applied his forensic intelligence to the investigation, and in no time they were interrogating Elvin, who they themselves had caught fighting with Binky a few moments before the long eared psychopath's demise. Following this piece of deductive sleuthing, the defiant Elvin - "Yo Muvverfuckers, leave the dude alone. I'm goin to tha Man. Tha Man'll kick yo sorry asses, dudes!" - was led away by P.C. Badger.

All the while, unnoticed, Haylett Owl slipped off and flew the short distance to the nearby Chief Executive's Oak in Money Maker Woods. It was there that Dave the Dan and I found her sad little carcass swaying lifeless in the branches. We will never know her thoughts. Was it guilt, or was she murdered? Twit-twoo-dunnit, that is the question?

Hard to Explain...

Waiting at the bus-stop the other day, it was a joyously beautiful day. I was rubbing my hands together with delight, which seemed to disconcert other folk waiting with me. Not difficult to explain per se - except that I had my penis between them at the time...

Toying With Reality

Monty the wise weasel - not a toy!

Monty is driving me nuts! Thinks he's a toy all of a sudden...

"You're not a toy Monty, you're a wise little weasel, that's what you are mate," says I. But still he won't be comforted...

"I'm a toy I tell you Keith - a flippin' inanimate, pointless little plaything..."

"No, no, no! You're a..."

"... an object upon which you project your infantile fantasies, you sad little freak Keith!"

Well, that wasn't very nice was it. Still, the eloquence with which he expresses himself only serves to reassure me completely that I'm not having conversations with my daughter's toys...